• toxicity •

I have about a million things going through my head at the moment and have to admit, I haven’t being feeling the best mentally or emotionally lately but hey we power through.
Ever since I had the kids I can be honest that my anxiety has gotten a lot worse and that I stress and flip out really easily, it’s something I am trying to work on but it will take time. I also think that for it to change, life is going to have to change. Now in no way does that mean that I am ungrateful that we live with my parents, because I’m not, but there is only so much everyone can take (both us and my parents).

My parents, Layla, Hendrix, Tommy and I all live in a very small 3 bedroom unit, which would be all well and fine if we had 3 funtioning bedrooms.
One room my parents sleep in, one room is set up for my mothers future profession/a study and the other bedroom has the 4 of us sleeping in it.

There are 2 adults and 2 children currently sleeping in a 2.5×3.5m room. Above is a little panoramic view of our room. We have book cases with all the stuff we need for the kids and a few of our belongings. Layla sleeps on the single matress up against the window, our quees size matress is right up against that then Hendrix’s cot is about 10cms from out matress, up against the wall.
It is so so so unbelievably hard all being in the same room, if one baby wakes up in the night they generally wake tger other one up, well they wake all of us up. Its really hard to try and get them down for a nap at the same time, if you put him down first she will make too much noise trying to go to sleep and wake him up, if you put her down first when you open the door and try and bring him in it usually wakes her up.

Plain and simple the house is just too small for 6 people and all the crap thats comes with those 6 people.
The minute Layla gets her toys out it looks like a tornado has ripped through the house purely because it is so small.
You constantly feel as though you are all on top of each other and that you have no personal space.

The rental market in Melbourne at the moment is ridiculous but the job market is even worse! We so desperately need to get our own place so that we can spread out, give the kids their own rooms and improve my mental health. Due to neither of us being able to find work even though we are actively seeking and the private rental maket being so damn expensive, it is honestly looking like it is slowly becoming more and more impossible.
I am not a religious people so i just put everything out to yhe universe and it seems that the universe hates us! Every time we have an initial amount saved up for the first months rent and bond the universe throws a curve ball at us and gives us surprise expenses to pay for. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME!
Seriously feels like two steps forward three steps back, constantly.

If it wasn’t bad enough that I usually have an anxiety attack atleast once a month about never getting out of here/owning our own home/getting anywhere in life, living in this house constantly makes me second guess my parenting skills.

The saying ‘to many cooks spoil the broth’ also applies to parenting in my opinion. Being this close to your parents is shit in a way because every parenting decision you make is scrutinized and compared to the way they parented you and your siblings.
I am constantly made to feel as though i am wrong and that i cannot do this on my own.
I have given up trying to voice my opinions because i am over arguing with my judgmental mother and my verbally/emotionally abusive father.

At the moment its even harder as we are that desperate for money that Tommy is driving 2 hours away and staying at his dads pub 4 days out of the week, every week, helping out for absolute peanuts just to make ends meet for us at the moment.
I feel as though the universe is testing us and I’m really not sure how much more I can take.
Looking aftwr the kids by myself is so hard because they are both so dependant and they are that close in age its practically likehaving twins!

I am physically and mentally exhausted constantly.
I don’t feel as though i am being a good enough girlfriend or mother, but at the same time i also feel like i do so much and i am under appreciated and have nothing left to give.
I hope things get better for us soon because i am losing my mind.
I just want to be the best i can be for my family.

Bon xo

As always follow me on instagram:
@tattooed.mumma
@elevenmonthsapart

We now have a Facebook page
http://www.facebook.com/Eleven-Months-Apart

• a letter to my future husband •

I honestly don’t even know where to start, but here we go I suppose.

There are not enough words in the world to tell you how much you mean to me (I know every love sick girl under the sun says that, but it’s honestly true).
During our relationship we have already been through soooo much and we are the strongest couple for it, we can work through anything, I know we can!

I guess I have to start off by apologising for a few things:

Firstly I have to apologise for the fact that we didn’t really get much time together before we had a baby, not much time just us two. It’s shitty because we never got to slowly discover things about each other, find out all the little things that make us, us. We got thrown into the deep end straight away but I think we are stronger as a couple for it. We has to become a team quicker than normal, skip the two individuals becoming one and become the awesome parents that we are today. Although because we had children so early and got it out of the way at a young age, before we know it they will be all grown up and moved out being all adult and what not. We will have the rest of our lives just us two!

Secondly I guess I have to apologise for how terribly flawsome I am ( for people unfamiliar with the term it means I am both a flawed and awesome person haha).
We all know that nobody is perfect and by all means I am no exception to that rule but I do have some good qualities to go along with all my shitty ones haha.
I’m sorry I yell so much, being a mum is super super stressful and there is so much pressure to be superwoman! Plus you are far too relaxed, if you took your stress levels up an tad mine would go down tremendously! (I can even hear you saying “theres no point in worrying it doesn’t help anything”) I can’t help it, it’s in my nature!
Although they do say if you don’t yell you just plain don’t care. So I guess you could say judging by how much I yell, I care about you A HELL OF A LOT! HAHAHAH
I’m sorry I stress so much you must think I am the most highly strung person in the history of the world, nothing much I can do about it really haha hopefully over time I can be as relaxed as you! I guess I am not quite the optimist you are, therefore I stress about the future farrrr too much.

When we first met I never knew just how much I would fall for you and just how quickly, when we started talking you knew you wanted me to be yours immediately but I was sceptical due to the amount of absolute losers I had dated in the past. I should have just let go and dome something impulsive but it didn’t take long.
I will never forget you sending me a playlist of songs you had picked out just for me! It was amazing and special and it is still in my Spotify account, I sing those songs in my head when I need to relax. It was the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for me.
You can be incredibly cute/romantic when you want to, although if you look at the rest of the relationship since then it appears you haven’t wanted to all that often 😛 heheh.

You are one of the most amazing people I have ever had the privilege of meeting and you don’t know how happy I am that you picked me, that you want me for the rest of your life. I am the luckiest girl in the world.
You are an amazing partner: even though you are a huge manchild and some of the time it feels like I am a single mother with 3 children, even though you have a habit of half doing most things so I am constantly behind you cleaning up/fixing the other half of everything hahah, even though you don’t really clean and even though you can’t cook to safe your life. You are just as much a flawsome person as I am and this is why we are perfect for each other!
I absolutely love how passionate you are about the things you love, the cute little twinkle in your eye or your cheeky grin you get when you are talking about horror, comics, batman, movie making, your scripts, geeky stuff etc. It is infectious. Its so easy to have a conversation with you because you can just talk for hours about the things you love and I don’t mind listening, it makes me smile inside and out knowing you love things so much!

 

 

 

 

 

You are the most amazing father to our gorgeous little creations, even though you are usually the fun one and I dish out all the yelling. The way Layla laughs when you two play together is one she doesn’t do with many people and the way Hendrix just has to look at you, even with a blank stare on your face and he instantly smiles, these kids absolutely adore you and I didn’t know just how much I loved you until I saw how much you love them.
Thank you for all the shitty nappies you have changed, for all the bottles you have made up/given, for all the laughs you have dished out, for all the times I have been crying my eyes out thinking I am the shittiest mum in the world and you just take me silently in your arms and give me a big hug knowing that is all I need. Thank you for bathing the kids majority of the time, I just cannot make bubbles like you do, for being my team mate and best defence partner against these little gremlins that I could ever ask for.

Thank you for loving the unwashed, greasy haired, make up free, post partum version of me as well as the hot one! Hahah it means a lot!

I appreciate everything you do for me, no matter how little. I don’t know what I would do without you, I would be completely lost….
I will love you now and for the rest of my days, I cannot wait to be your wife some day.

I guess I just need to say thank you for being you…

Love Bon (your companion) xo

 

As always you can follow me on instagram
@elevenmonthsapart
@tattooed.mumma

I also now have a Facebook page
Eleven Months Apart

 

 

 

• year one, part II •

Well I promised you part II and here it is, more of the things I learnt in my first year of being a mum! (although I am sure I could do about 5 parts for this post haha)

When people say “sleep when the baby sleeps” seriously do it! you will be seriously tired, like you have never been tired before. No matter how many all nighters you have pulled whilst clubbing or staying up until ungodly hours on tumblr or whatever, nothing will prepare you for waking up every 3-4 hours to feed the baby. People say “oh yeah sleep when the baby sleeps, but I have so much cleaning and washing to do etc”. The cleaning and washing and dishes aren’t going anywhere, plus babies don’t wake up that much through the night forever, you will survive but just take the time to sleep when the baby sleeps, even if its just one nap a day. Snuggle your new bubba its the best feeling ever and trust me “sleep when the baby sleeps” only applies when you have 1 hahahahaha, as soon as you have another one that goes out the window so take advantage of it while you can!

Even if you are the least maternal person in the world you have a motherly instinct as soon as you connect with you baby, so use it! People think that a motherly instinct is a myth but I promise it isn’t. You will know what is best for your baby so just do it! You will learn your babies different cries, you will get gut instincts when you think they are unwell or unhappy or scared and you will know what to do to settle your baby. It all comes very naturally, it is ingrained in us.
Also going a long these lines… it’s YOUR baby, you make the decisions! Don’t let anyone else try and parent your baby, don’t let anyone else try and make decisions for your babies life. It’s YOUR baby, you will have your own way of parenting and parenting is like snowflakes, no two styles are the same. Not everyone is going to agree with your choices or parenting style and you know what? Fuck em. Lucky it’s not their kid hey?
You do whatever works for you mumma bear.

Before you have kids everyone has a million theories about parenting and an idea in their mind as what they are going to do and not do. A lot of the things you say you aren’t going to do when you become a parent, you will most likely do hahah (but it wont be that much of a big deal).
I said I would breastfeed and I ended up formula feeding because I just couldn’t do it!
I said my baby would always sleep in their own bed, more often than not she was in with us (she still wakes up and gets in with us now).
I said I would never give into my childs tantrums and bribe them to do things, bribery is the BOMB!
I thought my kid was only going to eat super healthy and organic good for you food, she gets sugar and cake sometimes because I am human.
Honestly the list goes on and on, as soon as you have your baby everything changes, nothing is the same anymore and you form new opinions on parenting, you do what works for you.
And you know what? My kids are both alive, happy and healthy, loved and love me back. None of these change of decisions on parenting have affected how I feel about myself. I am a great mother, doing things my way and my kids are perfect!

Now a few quick points:

• You are doing fantastic no matter how much you think you aren’t, it is a hard job and all so very new to you. Go easy on yourself.
• Take time for yourself! To be the best mother you can be you need to be the best YOU you can be. Even if it’s just having a long bath, going to the hair dresser, having a quiet cup of tea alone etc.
• You will never get tired of hearing people tell you how cute your baby is!
• If your baby is born with a lot of hair you are going to hear about it ALL DAY LONG! hahah (we had this with Layla)
• You will never truly be ready for their first poo explosion.

• You will never truly be ready for their first projective vomit.
• Whilst on the topic, you will get used to poo an vomit quickly! The smell and the cleaning aspect will not worry you anymore.
• As soon as they start eating regular food, you will never eat a full meal again.
• If you want to eat something without sharing it, you will most likely have to hide somewhere in the house away from your children.
• YOU ARE VERY VERY FERTILE AFTER YOU GIVE BIRTH!!!! this is a big one hahah (the story of how  Hendrix came about.)
• Make time for you and your partner to be together without the baby, it is important to keep your relationship strong as you are now a team!

Most of all the first year of your babies life goes quicker than anything you could ever experience! If you thought that your pregnancy went quickly this is going to hit you like a tonne of bricks…
It’s scary because you beautiful little baby disappears before your eyes and it feels like only yesterday you were bringing them home from the hospital, but honestly watching your amazing little creature grow and learn and experience life is just completely breath taking!
They get crazy, get their own personality, get cheeky and learn new things everyday and it is the most amazing thing in the world. Savour every moment because it will go as quick as a flash and you will regret letting it slip through your fingers.
Be that mum that always has her camera out, be that mum bragging about their kids on facebook or Instagram and posting 100000 photos a day, be that mum that documents everything because it is so worth it! You will have all these memories to look back on and you will be glad you did it. Plus this little human is your whole world now, what else do you have to talk about hahah.

as always don’t forget to follow the instagrams
@elevenmonthsapart
@tattooed.mumma

Bon xo

• year one, part I •

From the moment you find out you are pregnant for the first time, to the day your first born turns one, it is a massive roller coaster of a journey and you will learn so much a long the way! This is going to be a post (probably going to be a part 1) dedicated to the journey from finding out I was pregnant with my little Laylabug til the day she turned one.

All I ever wanted in life was to be a mother but the day I found out I was pregnant I was in complete and utter shock. I had missed a period but due to my PCOS I thought there was no way I could be pregnant. I decided to take a test anyway and couldn’t believe my eyes when I saw those 2 line pop up. I wanted to keep it a secret until I had a blood test done to be 100% sure but I couldn’t hahah, I rang straight out to dad and said “OH MY FUCKING GOD IS THERE TWO LINES THERE?” he just looked at me and nodded. When I finally got to the Dr’s he told me those tests are pretty much faultless these days and gave me his congratulations.
I went home and cried, not tears of sadness but tears of shock and happiness because I thought this day was never going to come. (I had a few factors pointing to infertility for me)

one of the first things I learnt when I was pregnant is that everyone will call themselves aunty or uncle but watch how many friends are actually there for you when the baby is born. I don’t want to put a downer on any expecting mums reading this blog but honestly when I got pregnant I was so excited about how many of my friends were so excited and were all wanting to be in the babies life. Little did I know when she was actually born things would change completely. I have about 4 friends that are heavily in her life.

also as soon as people find out your pregnant every man and his dog will try and give you their hand me downs. Now don’t get me wrong, when its your first child you expect to have everything fresh and new and you want everything to be just perfect for you little bundle of joy. To be honest baby shit is expensive hahah you will find this out very quickly, but seriously if people want to give you things, just take it! You may find things that are very helpful and things you like that people have given you, anything you don’t like you can just donate somewhere eg. savers, the salvation army, the big group hug, the womens mission. This will allow you to be gracious and also help other people at the same time. There’s no harm or shame in having second hand things for your child! Plus people will not give someone something second hand that is in poor shape. You can always take something now and save up for a newer version or a nicer version of it later, as long as you have what you need for your baby at the beginning everything will be fine.

You will never be ready for/expect everything that will happen to your body over those 9-10 months. The big belly, the morning sickness, the heart burn, sore knees, sore back, sore feet well sore everything really hahaha. The sleepless nights, the belly mosh fests when your baby decides to go nuts at night right before you go to sleep, the stretch marks, the “glow” pfft hahah it doesn’t exist. I got bad pimples, my hair was feral, I was a moody bitch and I could eat my weights worth of food like it was going out of fashion haha. Things won’t always go right, for example I got gestational diabetes but  you will always be able to make it work! The universe only gives you what you can handle 🙂

But the first time your baby kicks and the first time your partner gets to feel the baby kick and you share that moment will be indescribable!
When your belly does the Mexican wave, or you can see an elbow or foot make a lump, or your baby gets the hiccups inside you will be something you will treasure for the rest of your life! So the good comes with the bad, always!

 Giving birth is a scary experience! but it is so so soooo worth it! Because of my gestational diabetes I had to be induced a week early as they were worried about the babies growth and wanted to make sure everything was going to be okay, for both me and the baby. That was a nerve wracking experience, not knowing, not getting to have that natural birth experience, going into labour at home and then making your way to the hospital. Everything was going to be artificial, I was getting a helping hand off science to get my baby out safely. I have to say the experience for me was quite shitty, I went in at 7am on Tuesday morning, didn’t give birth till midnight on Thursday and didn’t leave the hospital til Saturday. Layla’s heart rate also kept going crazy, I was determined not to have a C-section because I was so scared of getting surgery. I had to sign a consent form anyway in case it was absolutely necessary that I had a C-section but it was a last resort. The Dr’s said They would do everything possible to get her out before it came to that. I got rushed down to theatre and there were about 20 people in the room. I was so overwhelmed but we got her out with forceps and a mighty pushing effort! All the Dr’s and my midwife said I did a mammoth effort for a first time birth with a fairly big baby.
It was such an overwhelming and scary experience being in a situation where you aren’t in control and it’s a major life change but the moment I got handed my little Laylabug everything else in the room just melted away. I couldn’t hear anyone around me, I could only see her and feel my partner kissing me on the head while I was crying saying “oh my god, oh my god, she’s here, I just gave birth, oh my god”
Best experience of my life and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.

I’ll leave it there for now and i’ll post part II next Friday night.

Feel free to follow on Instagram:
@elevenmonthsapart
@tattooed.mumma

Bon xo

• mirror mirror on the wall •

Self esteem and body image is a subject that affects majority of people in this world, both men and women alike. I know I can honestly say that it has played a huge part in my life ever since I can remember, I think it started in late primary school.
I have had glasses since the age of 7 and have been chubby since about 10, the thick frizzy hair was just icing on the cake.
I started to be picked on about my appearance in primary school and it definitely didn’t stop there, it continued well into high school until about year 11, because lets be honest by the time you got to year 12 everyone was far too stressed about their exams and load of homework that they didn’t have time to take the piss out of each other.

so of course you try and reinvent yourself to combat the haters, try and make yourself better, but for me that really didn’t help the situation at all.
I tried staying up with all the new fashion, goth, emo, scene, barbie girl, the list is endless (and terribly stupid may I add).
None of it helped and none of it was really me, the torment continued and all I had managed to do was spend a lot of money on clothes and accessories I was not going to wear longer than a few months and look like a tool in the process.

In late high school I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which 1. rocked my world completely and 2. explained a lot!
It explained my weight gain (and why it is so hard for me to lose weight), It explained my fatigue, and it also explained my body hair issues which up until this point I had no idea what was going on, I thought I was just a freak. To which I found out me being a “freak” was really a condition called Hirsutism : a male pattern of body hair on the female body, giving you hair where you wouldn’t normally have it eg. bottom, excessively hairy legs and arms, chest, back, beard. There isn’t really much you can do about it apart from normal hair removal techniques but that is all a lot of time and money.

I had bad self esteem issues throughout my childhood and early to mid teens, I hated the way I looked, used to come home crying after clothes shopping because nothing fit and I couldn’t shop and the same shops/sections as my friends because they were all size 8-10 and I was a 14-16 with a big bust.
I was also quite comfortable in a relationship which wasn’t helping with the situation, when I was at my biggest I hit 115kgs, it completely broke me. In 2012 that relationship ended and that’s where my life started to turn around.

When that relationship ended I lost 20kgs and got down to 95kgs, I was the happiest I had ever been, my self esteem went through the roof, I felt gorgeous, clothes were fitting better and people were all over me, I felt desired.
I started alternative modelling, joined an amazing group of girls called the trash dolls, had some amazing opportunities and some of the best fun of my life. I was on top of the world!

I was a size 16 but I had a flat stomach, I had curves in all the right places and felt absolutely amazing. I was doing photoshoots, wearing bikinis and even got confident enough to do burlesque dancing! Life was amazing, my self esteem was the best it had ever been, even when people tried to put me down it was like water off a ducks back.

FAST FORWARD TO TODAY…

When I got pregnant with Layla I went from 95kgs to 120kgs, it really got me down, after I had her I managed to get back down to 108kg quickly so that made me happy, made me feel like I could get back down to my pre baby weight in no time. Then all of a sudden BOOM! got pregnant with Hendrix and then started to gain weight again.
At my biggest with Hendrix I hit 118kgs and three months post partum I am now back down to 108kgs.

This is what I look like today ^^^
I wouldn’t change having my beautiful babies for anything they are my whole world and I have never felt like my life has had more meaning than it does today BUT I am so incredibly unhappy with the way I look it is ridiculous.
I feel like I am back in my high school days and I just want to cry quietly in my room every night, I don’t want to go shopping anymore because nothing looks nice on me, I have to tuck my stomach over hang into my underwear just so I don’t have a giant wobbly belly hanging over my pants. I feel as though this is my mum body and this is it, this is what I am destined to look like now.
I don’t have one of those “snap back bodies” and I never will I have accepted that.

The other week all I wanted to do to lift my spirits a little was get some new makeup at the priceline 40% off sale, I had no other option but to take the kids with me and I had them both in the pram. I was already feeling quite low about myself that day so I was already quite fragile…. Layla decided to play up for the first time in public and start chucking a tantrum in the pram because I wouldn’t let her run around and wreak havoc, so I was trying to be as quick as possible. I couldn’t get half the stuff I wanted, pretty much everything was sold out and there were people absolutely everywhere! I tried my hardest to stay out of the way and be as quick as possible, people were bumping into the pram (Hendrix was asleep at the time, they woke him up) pushing the pram out of the way and one lady even yelled at me to move!
I grabbed what I could and walked to the cashier with tears welling in my eyes, when I finally met up with my partner I just burst into tears saying “take me home I fucking hate women they are cruel bitches”

I feel as though people put mothers in a box, that we are just mothers and we don’t need to bother anymore. Before I had my children I loved putting on make up, coming up with new looks and trying new things, it always made me feel like a million dollars (even if I got dolled up just to sit around the house). Now I am lucky if I get the time to fill in my shitty eyebrows! I am absolutely shattered that I don’t have time to pretty myself up anymore, especially for my amazing partner. I felt as though I didn’t belong there, like these women felt I had forfeited all rights to feeling good about myself when I gave birth. It was fucking horrible.
My self esteem is still low, I still wake up every morning and hate the way I look, but having 2 children I don’t have time to worry about that. I have 3 people that depend on me constantly, 2 of whom cannot make it through the day without me but that does not mean I do not deserve to feel good about myself…

Hopefully I can get back to my amazingly confident old self but until then this is the daily struggle I live with….. I hope my readers never have to feel this way because it’s horrible and you are all beautiful! don’t ever let anyone make you feel as though you aren’t.

Bon xx

Instagram:
@elevenmonthsapart
@tattooed.mumma

• an introduction to the family •

So I figure my first post should be an introduction to me, my crazy family and the stuff I intend to write about on this blog.

To start off my name is Bonnie I am 23 years old, I have an amazing partner whom I am madly in love with his name is Tommy (or Thomas when he’s in trouble haha), and 2 beautiful children who are my whole world, Layla May 14 months old and Hendrix James 3 months old.

Hence the blog being called eleven  months apart. Yes, that’s right ladies, I gave birth twice in less than a 12 month period (yep I’m a crazy bitch, i know).
It has been such a roller coaster, not only going from one to two children so quickly but doing so at such a young age.
When I was a little girl I knew I was put on this earth to be a mother, that was always the answer to the question “so what do you want to be when you grow up?”. People always used to get so hung up on the fact that I didn’t want a career, but I knew it was the right choice for me!

I created this blog because Tommy thought it would be great for me, that I would do an amazing job and write really awesome stuff, because people can relate.
So this will be my space to be me, I am not going to hold back, I will vent, share moments, post tips and tricks and will hopefully make you laugh along the way.

I will post on here every Friday, because lets be honest ladies what else do I have to do on a Friday night hahaha.
If there is anything you want to know or any topics you would like me to write about, just let me know, I would love to hear your input! 

You can also follow me on instagram :
Blog: @elevenmonthsapart
Personal: @tattooed.mumma

Bon xx