I have about a million things going through my head at the moment and have to admit, I haven’t being feeling the best mentally or emotionally lately but hey we power through.
Ever since I had the kids I can be honest that my anxiety has gotten a lot worse and that I stress and flip out really easily, it’s something I am trying to work on but it will take time. I also think that for it to change, life is going to have to change. Now in no way does that mean that I am ungrateful that we live with my parents, because I’m not, but there is only so much everyone can take (both us and my parents).
My parents, Layla, Hendrix, Tommy and I all live in a very small 3 bedroom unit, which would be all well and fine if we had 3 funtioning bedrooms.
One room my parents sleep in, one room is set up for my mothers future profession/a study and the other bedroom has the 4 of us sleeping in it.
There are 2 adults and 2 children currently sleeping in a 2.5×3.5m room. Above is a little panoramic view of our room. We have book cases with all the stuff we need for the kids and a few of our belongings. Layla sleeps on the single matress up against the window, our quees size matress is right up against that then Hendrix’s cot is about 10cms from out matress, up against the wall.
It is so so so unbelievably hard all being in the same room, if one baby wakes up in the night they generally wake tger other one up, well they wake all of us up. Its really hard to try and get them down for a nap at the same time, if you put him down first she will make too much noise trying to go to sleep and wake him up, if you put her down first when you open the door and try and bring him in it usually wakes her up.
Plain and simple the house is just too small for 6 people and all the crap thats comes with those 6 people.
The minute Layla gets her toys out it looks like a tornado has ripped through the house purely because it is so small.
You constantly feel as though you are all on top of each other and that you have no personal space.
The rental market in Melbourne at the moment is ridiculous but the job market is even worse! We so desperately need to get our own place so that we can spread out, give the kids their own rooms and improve my mental health. Due to neither of us being able to find work even though we are actively seeking and the private rental maket being so damn expensive, it is honestly looking like it is slowly becoming more and more impossible.
I am not a religious people so i just put everything out to yhe universe and it seems that the universe hates us! Every time we have an initial amount saved up for the first months rent and bond the universe throws a curve ball at us and gives us surprise expenses to pay for. EVERY. FUCKING. TIME!
Seriously feels like two steps forward three steps back, constantly.
If it wasn’t bad enough that I usually have an anxiety attack atleast once a month about never getting out of here/owning our own home/getting anywhere in life, living in this house constantly makes me second guess my parenting skills.
The saying ‘to many cooks spoil the broth’ also applies to parenting in my opinion. Being this close to your parents is shit in a way because every parenting decision you make is scrutinized and compared to the way they parented you and your siblings.
I am constantly made to feel as though i am wrong and that i cannot do this on my own.
I have given up trying to voice my opinions because i am over arguing with my judgmental mother and my verbally/emotionally abusive father.
At the moment its even harder as we are that desperate for money that Tommy is driving 2 hours away and staying at his dads pub 4 days out of the week, every week, helping out for absolute peanuts just to make ends meet for us at the moment.
I feel as though the universe is testing us and I’m really not sure how much more I can take.
Looking aftwr the kids by myself is so hard because they are both so dependant and they are that close in age its practically likehaving twins!
I am physically and mentally exhausted constantly.
I don’t feel as though i am being a good enough girlfriend or mother, but at the same time i also feel like i do so much and i am under appreciated and have nothing left to give.
I hope things get better for us soon because i am losing my mind.
I just want to be the best i can be for my family.
Bon xo
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