• mirror mirror on the wall •

Self esteem and body image is a subject that affects majority of people in this world, both men and women alike. I know I can honestly say that it has played a huge part in my life ever since I can remember, I think it started in late primary school.
I have had glasses since the age of 7 and have been chubby since about 10, the thick frizzy hair was just icing on the cake.
I started to be picked on about my appearance in primary school and it definitely didn’t stop there, it continued well into high school until about year 11, because lets be honest by the time you got to year 12 everyone was far too stressed about their exams and load of homework that they didn’t have time to take the piss out of each other.

so of course you try and reinvent yourself to combat the haters, try and make yourself better, but for me that really didn’t help the situation at all.
I tried staying up with all the new fashion, goth, emo, scene, barbie girl, the list is endless (and terribly stupid may I add).
None of it helped and none of it was really me, the torment continued and all I had managed to do was spend a lot of money on clothes and accessories I was not going to wear longer than a few months and look like a tool in the process.

In late high school I was diagnosed with Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (PCOS) which 1. rocked my world completely and 2. explained a lot!
It explained my weight gain (and why it is so hard for me to lose weight), It explained my fatigue, and it also explained my body hair issues which up until this point I had no idea what was going on, I thought I was just a freak. To which I found out me being a “freak” was really a condition called Hirsutism : a male pattern of body hair on the female body, giving you hair where you wouldn’t normally have it eg. bottom, excessively hairy legs and arms, chest, back, beard. There isn’t really much you can do about it apart from normal hair removal techniques but that is all a lot of time and money.

I had bad self esteem issues throughout my childhood and early to mid teens, I hated the way I looked, used to come home crying after clothes shopping because nothing fit and I couldn’t shop and the same shops/sections as my friends because they were all size 8-10 and I was a 14-16 with a big bust.
I was also quite comfortable in a relationship which wasn’t helping with the situation, when I was at my biggest I hit 115kgs, it completely broke me. In 2012 that relationship ended and that’s where my life started to turn around.

When that relationship ended I lost 20kgs and got down to 95kgs, I was the happiest I had ever been, my self esteem went through the roof, I felt gorgeous, clothes were fitting better and people were all over me, I felt desired.
I started alternative modelling, joined an amazing group of girls called the trash dolls, had some amazing opportunities and some of the best fun of my life. I was on top of the world!

I was a size 16 but I had a flat stomach, I had curves in all the right places and felt absolutely amazing. I was doing photoshoots, wearing bikinis and even got confident enough to do burlesque dancing! Life was amazing, my self esteem was the best it had ever been, even when people tried to put me down it was like water off a ducks back.

FAST FORWARD TO TODAY…

When I got pregnant with Layla I went from 95kgs to 120kgs, it really got me down, after I had her I managed to get back down to 108kg quickly so that made me happy, made me feel like I could get back down to my pre baby weight in no time. Then all of a sudden BOOM! got pregnant with Hendrix and then started to gain weight again.
At my biggest with Hendrix I hit 118kgs and three months post partum I am now back down to 108kgs.

This is what I look like today ^^^
I wouldn’t change having my beautiful babies for anything they are my whole world and I have never felt like my life has had more meaning than it does today BUT I am so incredibly unhappy with the way I look it is ridiculous.
I feel like I am back in my high school days and I just want to cry quietly in my room every night, I don’t want to go shopping anymore because nothing looks nice on me, I have to tuck my stomach over hang into my underwear just so I don’t have a giant wobbly belly hanging over my pants. I feel as though this is my mum body and this is it, this is what I am destined to look like now.
I don’t have one of those “snap back bodies” and I never will I have accepted that.

The other week all I wanted to do to lift my spirits a little was get some new makeup at the priceline 40% off sale, I had no other option but to take the kids with me and I had them both in the pram. I was already feeling quite low about myself that day so I was already quite fragile…. Layla decided to play up for the first time in public and start chucking a tantrum in the pram because I wouldn’t let her run around and wreak havoc, so I was trying to be as quick as possible. I couldn’t get half the stuff I wanted, pretty much everything was sold out and there were people absolutely everywhere! I tried my hardest to stay out of the way and be as quick as possible, people were bumping into the pram (Hendrix was asleep at the time, they woke him up) pushing the pram out of the way and one lady even yelled at me to move!
I grabbed what I could and walked to the cashier with tears welling in my eyes, when I finally met up with my partner I just burst into tears saying “take me home I fucking hate women they are cruel bitches”

I feel as though people put mothers in a box, that we are just mothers and we don’t need to bother anymore. Before I had my children I loved putting on make up, coming up with new looks and trying new things, it always made me feel like a million dollars (even if I got dolled up just to sit around the house). Now I am lucky if I get the time to fill in my shitty eyebrows! I am absolutely shattered that I don’t have time to pretty myself up anymore, especially for my amazing partner. I felt as though I didn’t belong there, like these women felt I had forfeited all rights to feeling good about myself when I gave birth. It was fucking horrible.
My self esteem is still low, I still wake up every morning and hate the way I look, but having 2 children I don’t have time to worry about that. I have 3 people that depend on me constantly, 2 of whom cannot make it through the day without me but that does not mean I do not deserve to feel good about myself…

Hopefully I can get back to my amazingly confident old self but until then this is the daily struggle I live with….. I hope my readers never have to feel this way because it’s horrible and you are all beautiful! don’t ever let anyone make you feel as though you aren’t.

Bon xx

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@elevenmonthsapart
@tattooed.mumma